I believe it impossible now, for anyone to possibly love me.No, this
isn’t a sob story, not at all. It’s merely a thought stretched out. A
thought that I’ll say was reality knocking me down again.
I tried to love this boy because he was alone, so alone and hateful
and sad and depressed. I saw him for what he was and I reached out, I
thought I could help. Next thing I know we’re two birds in a tree,
chilling together, enjoying each other.
And then he said he loved me.
And I was frozen in this moment where I couldn’t say that I loved him
back. I wanted to, so bad, but I knew I couldn’t because I was possibly
still in love with a boy that I broke up with almost a year ago.
So I told him that all I had for him was lust, not love, but
eventually it changed and I felt something for him. And he was so
convinced he was unloved by the world, no one could ever, /ever/ be with
him.
So I told him he was loved. He asked me if I loved him, I said yes, I love you, I said.
And today, this day after, I was thinking and thinking and I was trapped in my own fucking prison. The prison of my mind.
I thought about how I felt when all the sudden, the boy who convinced
me that he was in love with me for months, and I him, that boy who
suddenly fell out. Who “died”. What if really, he only told me he loved
me so I wouldn’t fell so fucking /alone/.
I couldn’t allow what happened to me to happen to this New boy.
So I told him that I didn’t want to hurt him, and that I’m leaving. Just like that.
And I want to die.
I don’t even wait for the other boy anymore, he’s too much like me, too uncaring, too hurt, too depressed.
And so is this boy, it’s all the same.
And I can’t do this anymore.
I’m going to stop trying.
I have no will to survive.
Let my sickness kill me.
