Ignorance

I need to shut the fuck up about it. I get it.
You need to fucking speak up. You can't hold that to yourself.
It's a fucking selfish thing to do.
It matters.
Fuck you. Fuck your damn drama.
It fucking matters and you fucking know it.
Yes. Grow the fuck up.
I meant it.
And I'll hold to what I said.
And yes, I will fuck off.
That's what you want.
You want me to fuck off.
Then fuck you.
I will.
I will. I will. I will god dammit.
Today. Is a change.
Today is the first day I wasn't in love with you.
Today I looked back on your messages.
Today I wondered if you were truly dying.
Today I was angry and you sent me a picture.
I couldn't be myself because I was angry.
Today I decided to tell you something curious just happened.
Today I decided to ask you a question because I felt rejected and lonely when you didn't respond.
Today you responded.
Today you said something.
Something so fucking stupid.
Something so fucking stupid it pissed me off.
Today I was pissed off and said something so fucking stupid to you.
Today I decided that I would fucking hold to what I said because it's for the better.
Today I reasoned that what the fuck.
What if all this time.
I wasn't the only girl.
Today.
I.
Wondered.
If.
I.
Wasn't.
Alone.
How the fuck am I to know if there are actually multiple girls out there in love with you texting you right now?
How am I to know that you're not saying sexual things to all of them and not just me.
How am I to know why you do that?
Why?
Why do you?
You don't love me.
You love that girl.
Whoever the fuck she is.
You are head over heels for her?
Yet you play around with my fucking head?
Am I not hurt enough you son of a fucking bitch?
Am I not hurting, darling boy who makes me cry?
I love you. I love you like a past love.
But I'm not in love with you.
Not anymore at least.
Your fault, too.
Everything.
Is your.
Fault.
You think I'm a fucking crying little teenager.
Dude, we both have fucked up lives. This isn't a competition.
What the fuck is wrong with you? You have not humanity.
I cry over you all the time. I cry, not because you're not mine.
I cry, not because I miss you or that I long for you or that I regret things with you.
I cry.
Because.
I hate your life. I fucking hate it. Why you? I wish I could change that. I wish I could save you.
I want to take all your pain. I want you to grow up with a loving father.
I want you to grow up with a loving mother.
I want you to grow up having all the attention and love you could possibly wish for.
I want you to grow up humble.
I want you to grow up caring.
I want you to know...How special it is to have love.
I want you to grow old.
I want you to be healthy.
I want you to have kids.
I want you to get married to a beautiful and kind woman.
I want her to love you just as much as you love her and more.
I want her to be all you'll ever want forever.
I want you to fall in love with that woman and for everything to go perfect.
I want you to never stray and be unfaithful to her.
I want you to see your grandkids.
I want you to grow grey hair.
I want you to grow weak.
I want you to grow withered.
I want you to slow down.
I want you to watch sunsets with your dying wife.
I want you to have lived a full and happy life.
I want you to have no regrets and be eternally thankful for such a life.
I want you to die.
I want you to die.
Old.
And with her by your side.
I want you both.
To leave together.
I love you.

And if I could die tonight.
Just to grant you everything I want for you.
I'd take that option with out a second thought.
...
And I'm sad.
Because you're just like all the others.
You'll.
Never.
Understand.
Me.