Am I a liar? For grinning at everyone who looks at me?

 I haven’t cried like that in a while…

When I’m so ridiculously sad that the tears literally start pouring down my cheeks before I even slam the front door shut behind me.

I don’t really pay attention to where I walk, I just walk, I stumble down the dark streets open-mouthed and crying.

I sometimes wish there would be someone I could run to, someone who would see me alone in the streets with a hand clutching at my heart and another pushing my hair back as I sob.

Not the ugly, wail sobs. The shoulders bunching together and collapsing, throat burning, shaking like a leaf type of sobbing.

I know what my eyes look like and it shames me..

My eyebrows knit together and my eyes are narrowed and dilated. Why am I always so confused when I’m hurt? I let people down when I cry. All of my friends who think I’m just some normal girl who’s strong (I hate that word now- strong) and never cries and has no reason to. I feel so terrible when it happens. I want to die because I hate looking so miserable. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing some emotionless-looking girl. I wish I had a better looking smile. It feels wrong to me, like I lost the muscles to pull my lips into a smile. When I grin, it feels wrong, unusual, deformed.

I wish I could help everyone. I wish that my dad, when he hurts me, I wish it would take his pain away, that he could be happy for once. I wish he would smile more, that his boss will give him a raise, and his co-workers could climb off his back. I wish some stupid miracle would pull him out of debt and that everything in our house would stop breaking because we can’t afford to fix it. I wish he’d stop thinking about my on-coming death or my dog’s weak immune system. I wish he’d not bad mouth my mother so often.

I wish my brother would come off his addiction, his obsession, his drug. I wish he wouldn’t hate me for talking to him. I wish he didn’t have such a disgusting psychotic state. I wish he would smile more.

I wish my mom would be content with the money she’s getting, that she’d stop being so cynical about everything. I wish she would smile more.

I wish my sister would smile more.

I don’t have anyone to talk to except for posting useless idiocy on Facebook to make it seem like I have a life. (Now that I say it, it sounds stupid. Facebook isn’t any way to live. Maybe I should quit that, too.)




I hope I die soon.




I wish that whenever there’s a girl around (or a boy) who’s lost in pain and utterly hopeless near me…that my heart would beat faster and I could find them and wrap my arms around them and hold them tightly because their life depends on it.

Someone once told me that two birds with broken wings can’t learn to fly together.


Fuck that.