Who am I to cry?

To cry, to break under the world when I'm exactly the same as the monsters I hate.
I feel like everyone around me wants to die.
Everyone I know.
My father.
My mother.
My brother.
My friends.
My love.
They are all. Suicidal.

Under them, is where I break. Where I give up and crawl back into my little cave of fucking misery. Where I begin again, to ignore the world, to muffle it all into an eerie silence. Where I watch everything pass by and think to myself, talk to myself, philosophize with myself.

And it is in that cave, with their eyes watching me, where they break. And there starts the never ending cycle of hate and death. A father beats his daughter and she grows up to kill herself in front of her son, her son is bullied at school, he murders his bullies. The siblings of those victims become druggies, drunks, and ruin the lives of their future spouses, children. Those children end up orphans or victims of abuse, they grow up and give birth to children of Depression. Those children begin to eat away at the lives of everyone close to them, their friends, family, loves. Everyone is affected if those Children commit suicide. Their friends, family, loves, screwed up and take their anger out on those who caused the suicide. The world. And it never ends. Ever. A cycle of hate will always be stronger than the little ounce of temporary love splashed over the fucking gram.

I sit there and I scream under the pressure. I cry. I mourn the deaths and despise the ungrateful selfishness of those who decide to give it up, to fuck the world and shoot themselves, hang themselves, drug themselves. I sit there and I scream out my pain in observing the world. I voice my agony, that silent hurt I had been housing. And in the inside I want to just step out in front of a moving car. I want to die, too, I thought to myself. And then it dawned on me that I'm exactly the same as those breaking me. I am the broken breaker.

Greetings Dan

That is, if you came to check.
Which you probably didn't.
Which means I am talking to myself.
Honestly, why would you give a fuck.
Ehem. Why would Dan give a fuck?
I'm just some random chick he apparently thought was pretty. (Which I'm not. As I have said 10billion times)
So I burst his bubble with the cold hard recent facts of my life:
I'm 16.
In love.
Dying.
--
He thought it was bullshit.
Whatever.
my life is complete bullshit.
I deserved that.

I am tired. Hopelessly exhausted. I want to sleep and never wake up.
My heart throbs painfully when you talk to me. I feel that every word you type, every syllable you speak, is another rip in my flesh. I can see the raw, red, agonizing strain between my skin as it separates so slowly. I wish you would go away. I wish I could forget you. I wish I could take back every broken promise, every hurtful argument, every picture, every tear. I want to forget you. To forget everyone. I want it all to end.
And it's coming.
Coming for me.
And I will stand here and open my arms and wait for death to embrace me.
 

I find my memories annoying. Needless. And I generally wish that I will wake up one morning and not remember who I am or who you are.

You Didn't Save Me

Had a nightmare. Woke up panting and hot. Figured I should tell my friend who was in it.

Started out as the age I am now, except hair longer and an auburn red. Walked home from school one day and was almost kidnapped by creepy black guy named Deron who Asked if I needed a ride and was trying to seduce me into his car. I was pretty rude to him actually. After a few more weeks of this he drove by my house and saw where I lived when he spotted me closing the garage. A week before that Jonny and his brother Itachi was at my home. Idk why and idk what we did, but they were there.
And I think they went to a play, my role was like, a musical something. (xD) The audience loved me for my part they were ooohing and ahhhing when I kinda just sat there and let the narrator narrate. My ears kept falling off. Then my role was over and I was sent to sit in the audience. Had a special seat. One of the boys was leading me to it because I was a rookie in the theatre business. Had to climb down an enormous, steep mountain it was like, completely vertical. Shelby Green was there yapping on and on about some chick she hates as we climbed. I reached the bottom.
Then I was on a roof in dress looking for another dress. (O.o) I really...I don't know.
Then I was in a lounge with you and about 10 other Cast members. You were in the audience before and followed me into the lounge I guess. I was talking about something for a while until I realized you were there, so i began to goof around with you and not to long later my friends caught onto your accent. And you found this girl that was like, your long lost buddy. And you two recited this poem asking if you knew eachother. She couldn't remember you.
So then I was in my room looking for a dress again and holding this padlock that would supposedly bring back this girl's memory. I wanted to do that for you. Anything for a friend, right? :D
Next thing I know, I'm walking home again and texting you and your brother, Itachi, (lmao) and Deron tried to reach out of his car and grab me. I shoved him away and ran home. I walked in holding Subway. (O.o) My mother was in the entrance with a bunch of her friends. Told her what was happening to me every time I walked home. Told her who it was, what his car looked like (Blueish-silver smart car), what he parked behind (a silver, badass cut, Ferrari <3. ) They didn't really care. Only commented on the sexy car saying how sexy it was.
Aaand next thing I know it's 5 years later and you were back in my home, except we lived together (O.o) in this weird school-like building complex. Our kids were racoons (lmao? O_o) for some reason...I watched as one of the racoons were born (O_o) and the next early, early morning Daron tried to break in.
You were sleeping (and it looked rather adorable) and as soon as he kicked down the door (we were down in another room located in a looooong hallway) your long-lost friend appeared and I quickly jumped from the bed to your friend (who was on the floor) and she covered me in blankets and pillows and my hair was reeeeeeally long and a bright auburn red (huge contrast to the white sheets). You tried to hide my hair with a sheet and the minute I was completely covered Deron kicked the bedroom door down. He asked where I was, your friend leaned against me somewhat, looked out the window and pointed to the right. ("I escaped" ;) Deron, of course, figured your friend was lying and I escaped outside and ran left. You and your friend were bullshitting your way out of it and Deron left the room to pursue me. Your friend ripped the covers off you, which exposed me somewhat, but mostly my long, bright hair which you were trying to hide. And theeeen Daron walked in, saw my hair, recognized me after 5 years of whatever, got a boner, tried to grab me.
And then I was running through a grocery store and you and your friend watched as I threw object after object at my kidnapper. I was trying to slow him down, but for some reason my strength was really NOT effective at all when hurling the fruits and inanimate objects at Daron's face. Eventually he caught up to me and I was crying and crying and he was talking to a cashier when I dialed 9-1-1 and told them where I was.
Daron saw what I was doing and I ran out into the pouring rain and was sprinting away fr om him towards the lit up market mall, screaming into the phone for them to fucking hurry and save me. And then they did. And then I woke up. And I was pretty annoyed that you and your friend didn't try to save me from Deron at all.