Oh how I hate.

Oh how I hate living a lie,
going back to school,
pretending that all the horrible things that went on in my home,
just this night, those things that threaten death,
those things that cause tears,
things that would terrify normal people,
drive anyone insane,
things that make me scream in fear..

But not of my death.
I don't fear death anymore.
I haven't for a long time.
I wouldn't mind dying at all,
by car crash, disease or freak accident..
I wouldn't mind.
I only fear,
death,
for,
my..
someone close to me.

I've been fighting to keep them alive,
for three years now,
and I will always,
do my best to keep strong.

Today I was strong and calm,
for nearly 45 minutes.
And one thing.
One action.
Brought me crashing down.
Screaming.
And crying.

Oh how I hate to lie,
to go back to school,
and pretend that I live a normal life,
that none of this happens to me,
that I didn't just go through a normal kid's worst nightmare.
Oh how I hate to live this lie.

Disney World

First Day:
Epcot: Pretty cool, by the end it was boring though :D My mom got sick on the amazing rocket ship thing space adventure thing..

Second Day:
Universal Studios: Hogwarts was AMAZING. The tour and the ride! Plus I saw some really cool looking guy.

Third Day:
Hollywood Studios: Fantastic the show was amazingly beautiful and wonderful. And afterwards I saw Death himself. This man that walked by, I will never forget his face. He could have been the Devil for all I know. And I always laugh at people who say things like that, but this guy, was glaring at me with so much hate and bloodlust it was astonishing, the moment he looks at you, and his eyes were as wide as could be yet held so much anger. It was horrible and I nearly cried later on when remembering how you could feel the evil pulsing around him. Literally. He terrified me. And he only looked at me for a few seconds, he turned around the moment I looked at his back and met my eyes.

Fourth Day:
Animal Kingdom: I saw cute animals.

Fifth Day:
Magical Kingdom: Stayed up till two in the morning dancing cause of New Years. Fireworks were amazing.

45 by Shinedown

This is the acoustic version by the way..Brent cut down his yelling quite a bit to make it more beautiful.. I always recommend listening to the real one later..but here are the lyrics..which made me cry:
Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

[CHORUS]

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

[CHORUS] x2

And so the tears fall down

Read the following..spoken by Brent Smith singer of Shinedown..while you watch the video attached..stop the video before the song starts..the song is for my next post..:

"I can't count the amount of interview that we've done where people have asked what this song means and where it came from...You see..The 45..is actually the world. Because alot of people believe it's solely about a gun....When I was about 15 years old..I had a friend of mine who was very, very very close to me..He was a cousin, who had so many people around him that loved him more than anything in the world. And for some reason, he didn't understand, why he couldnt..allow them to love him at all. He felt like there was something wrong with him...And that he didn't deserve..all the good things and the good people around him. And one day, actually on Christmas day.._?__ went over to his house, he knew that there was something a little wrong. And he went into..went down the hallway basically to his room and at the--the door was locked...And he asked who was on the other side..And he said yes. And he says, "Why is the door locked?".....And through the..through the air he says, "I can't do it anymore. I just don't have it in me."..And within 10 seconds..he heard "bang"...And for that moment and time..Time itself stood still..And then two minutes went by and all the sudden he heard something..It sounded like furniture being..pushed across the floor..And he slowly heard other things collapsing down and there was movement..and the door opened..And there he was..Looking at his friend..his family member..And he said, "I couldn't do it..I couldn't even do this." ...And his friend took his hands and folded them in this way..and said, "There will never. Ever. Be a perfect day...And there will never ever be a perfect world..But you have Not. Even. Scratched the surface...of the greatness..that's inside of you..The will to live..Will always outweigh the ability to die."....And if you would like to know, how that young man is today..He is extremely happy. With an amazing family..And just so you know..He's doing just fine."

Peace, Love, and Brent Smith
~Ratty

Die..Er.. Entry #1

Dear No one,
I realized that when I die and someone finds my real diary. That they would think only horrible bad things that I wrote about. I need to start writing when good things happen. Not just when horrible things happen. I guess I'll start with this. Today the Missionaries were over. I came out of my shell a bit and I've recently noticed that fights haven't been happening as often as they usually do. True enough we had one just an hour ago, and another yesterday, but..None of the big ones. I mean. Seriously. My mom has actually been here for TWO WHOLE months! Is that a record? I can't even recall when she's been here that long in the last 2 years. I hope she stays. I love her so much.

Peace ☮
Ratty