About Me

I'm dying of liver failure. Unknown cause. Currently asking God for another six months. I want to be there on the birthday of my love.

What I've Already Said

Monday, January 30, 2012

Blush

Okay so firstly I was wondering why the fuck you were looking at porn. I clicked on the link because I was wondering what the hell you were talking about and then I sweatdropped and my face deadpanned like wtf.
WTF.
WTTTTF.
And you're right. The penis does look really fucked up. What is that? Like an inch long? with a 6 inch foreskin hanging off? Nasty.

---
Furthermore. Wikipedia is really interesting and helpful when learning about all the meanings of life. And. I stumbled upon something that made me...Fucking purple o so violently I tasted blood in my mouth. HaHa that was a reference to a drink from our local Sonic <3

Turn Your Tears to Roses

All Texas girls appear to be @_@
You've only seen the pretty ones (not including). Here, I sigh to myself. Knowing that I'm fucking ugly.
I've got tons of pictures of you, so I guess you're right.
...:( Here my heart drops. You agree. I'm fucking ugly.
...oh, I totally read that wrong. was wondering what the (not included) meant.
I'm not included amongst the pretty girls* Now I'm wondering what -you- meant.
Pffffft.
Dude. ^^ Me compared to them is like, Little Mermaid to Cinderella. More like, Igor to prince Charming.
I'd fuck the little mermaid.
Yes, and you'd fuck Cinderella, too, right? I picture you fucking me. Great. I believe you're just saying that. You don't really mean it.
No, she's a whore.
You're sweet. You totally would fuck her, too.
The Little Mermaid is hot.
Cinderella is sexy. This is me trying kill the stupid thought that you might still love me.
I don't do whores. Not my type at all.
And your type is? Pure curiosity and the assumption that I'm totally not your type.
A secret.
Exactly. Probably Sleeping Beauty. Exactly. You're totally not into me.
Daterape
Ahahaha! :p You make me smile. Funny boy.
Gotta get that sleeping vagina, apparently. No, I like them alive and wet, thank you very much. And now you make me think about having sex with you again. Sigh.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

...nightmare

I had a nightmare within a dream last night. It was a really sickening, revolting terrible thing so I'm not even going to say what was happening in it. My dream self recognized I was having a nightmare (while still staying asleep) and tried to move thoughts to shift the nightmare back into a dream. And when I shifted my eyes, the nightmare was gone and there was just a calm grey room...And then I dreamt.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

FML!!!

Ohh! This definitely sucks! SO BAD!
My sister went in to hug me so I punched her to the ground and sprinted up stairs, felt around under the covers till I found the cold smooth object I was looking for-My phone.
1 Missed Call.
From: Him
...
GOD DAMMIT NOOOO!!! FUCKING iCARLY. FUCKING VICTORIOUS. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DISTRACT ME. SHITTTT. :( :( :(
Why does he have to--Ugh! ...This sucks. FML.

Yawn

Reading Homestuck always makes me pass out. Luckily I'm always in bed when I do so. I woke up with about a thousand blankets on me and I clearly remember going to sleep with only one. I woke up when my dad threw open my door and hopped on my bed and started poking me and annoying the hell out of me while telling a story about this "Little girl named Kelsy". At one point I darted out both hands towards his face and he grabbed my wrists before I could make contact. So I played fool. I'd yank my hands back towards the bed and just as quickly punch them towards his face. Always gaining distance. Then when I slapped him a few times he laughed and said "Now save yourself." Grabbed my wrists and it was then a contest of 15 year old ninja verses 50 year old master. I managed to hold my ground before doing turning both elbows up sharply and freeing my arms. He praised me with "No one can ever hold you down, Kelsy. Because you are truly strong. In many ways." And left....
To go bother my sister. XD

Friday, January 27, 2012

FUCKTHIS!

"I'm too young to die! Come on and turn me on!" YES. ALrightA?SD?SDAJGASDJ
asdhjsda
hj
I'llfuckingsavemyself.
WATCHME.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Honey, Why're You Calling Me?

You called me during lunch today. My table tackled me because I was blushing, grabbed my phone, and held me down as they said embarrassing things to you. They muffled my giggles and screams and "HOW COULD YOU?!?"'s and once I escaped I snatched the phone away and -ran- to a quieter place because I couldn't hear your voice. I was embarrassed about how many times I said "Helloo ? Hello? Jeff? Hello?" until I made it into an empty room. I missed your voice. Thank you.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Unexpected

Is it just me or are we....Starting to become friends again?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Frustration

So here's how it it )I found out last night(:
You're absolutely head over heels in love with this girl, right?
Yes.
Is she the one that hates your freaken guts?
Yes.
And you can't change that? I mean honestly! You must believe I'm totally callow for saying such a thing. Sure I don't know anything about her, but you must be 400$ naive if you think you cannot get her to fall in love with you.
She does love me.
Oh. So then WHY AREN'T YOU DATING HER?!??!
(Likes seriously, you moron.)

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Here's the poster thing. teh cover

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Let me say that this movie totally had me stunned. How the hell did that author, or the director, manage to display the human mind so perfectly? How did they show the deep thinking someone with ADHD, or autism, or Asperger's Syndrome could have? ashidnba;kmv,asdpoagbjsgd....
It baffles me! Floors me! Bewilders me! Amazes me! Eludes me! DAMN!
When it ended everyone in the audience sat there silently...
That's how great a movie it was. It was incredible.
WATCH IT. NOW.

---
And to my dear You. I know you're not in love with me and I'm sorry for you. The fact that you can't fess up to the girl -you- are in love with is absolutely pathetic. And if she doesn't love you back. Well...Now you know how I feel, besides the fact she didn't date you for 4 months and marinate you in the fact she was in love with you, too...Or conjure up beautiful images of our future together only to disappear on you--Wait I'm being a bitch. Excuse me.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

There IS a God

He was listening to me while I was crying and screaming. He was in the room with me, holding me. I know he was. He was watching me silently as I spoke to my Principal. And he answered me.
This morning, after I cried about being alive and I was staring at the ceiling and emitting that dark cloud of depression, watching it swirl around the room as it does...And then a small white light broke through and shined on the opposing wall. It was my mother calling my name. I answered her with an affirmative question. I crawled down to her room, the cloud following glumly behind me. I yelled at her for having her cast off her broken arm. I yelled at her for not taking her pill yet. I yelled at her for getting a divorce filed in. And then I broke down crying. Explained that my ex was dying. She acknowledged me. Spoke to me for the first time about how I was dying. And then tonight I went out with my dad to eat dinner. And I was talking about how mom acknowledged me finally and he asks why I was crying when it happened since he had overheard me...And I offhandedly told him how my ex was dying..And he said "Do you love him?" And I looked up into his eyes. And I answered. He asked why he was my ex, then. I told him how it was my fault and I told you to break up with me. Eventually he made a joke and said that "I'm going to save you, Kelsy. I'm can't possibly let you die. And I have to hurry or the dying girl will run off and have sex with the dying boy and they'll have a baby born with a liver disease and a heart disease and that'll be no good." I could only shake my head and smile at the floor.

No..

That was my first thought when I woke up... I'm alive. No. Why? Why am alive?! I hear your words replaying in my head over and over and I cry again. And I ask God why I'm alive. I asked him -one- thing and he couldn't do it? Why? Are you alive? That clutched at my heart and I quickly went to your wall to Facebook. There was a suspenseful moment when it hadn't fully loaded and I was waiting to see "R.I.P"s allover your wall. And then it loaded. "Rogues do it from behind ;3"...
I was sooo relieved. But I'm so frustrated. I can't ... Why does it have to be like this. What are the odds that I'd fall in love with someone, find out I'm dying, and then find out they are dying?

Friday, January 20, 2012

God , hear me cry ,

Dear God,
I know sometimes I doubt you and I say stupid things to you and I use your name as a swear word, but you know that I love you, don't you? I try and say goodnight to you every night. I try and apologize and tell you I love you when I catch myself saying something against you.
God...If you could grant me one last dying wish...Don't kill him. Please.
Take all that time I've prayed for. Take it all! Let me die tonight as long as you let him grow to be old. I am crying to you. You're my only hope. Heavenly Father, I love you. I want to see you. Almighty God send me to hell, but send him to heaven if he has to die.
Dear Lord allow this boy to live. Keep his heart beating longer than mine. Grant him health. In the name of your son Jesus Christ, hear my prayer. Let him live! Let him love! God, save him. God, you can have me. You can meet me at the gates and take me in your arms as long as you let him stay in his body with his soul. I know he doesn't think he has one. I know he doesn't believe in you, but I do! And I love him! I love him, Father. Please save him. Cure him. Help him. Bring him joy. Bring him peace. Take him away from all his pains and bless him. Give him the gift of love and let him keep it for a long, long time. Heavenly Father...Don't allow me to wake tomorrow. Please. Take me tonight and save his tomorrow.
I ask these things, in the name of thy son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Happiness


Today I discovered that I was actually very happy. I guess venting and screaming and crying and getting everything off your chest...Helps. I am not. Alone.
Today you surprised me by talking to me. Twice actually. You came to me. And that made me so much happier then I already was! You bring me joy. As does this picture. Look at the cat. It's like "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF ME! :OOOO!!!"
A few minutes ago I shared lots of giggles and guffaws when my brother and I were summoned downstairs to help put the medication drops in my dog's ears. Then when she shook, the drops flew out of her ears and all over us, and into my eye. Revenge. Then my brother and I went to go eat some pineapple. Late night snack. I pulled the jar of pineapple flesh, I sliced up the other night, out of the fridge and cracked it open, yanking a strip from the container and jamming it into my mouth. My mouth froze over from the cold juices and I sprinted across the kitchen to spit the fruit into the sink. "You freak! Ahahahha!" came from my brother and I joined him in his laughter and whined out about how it was too cold. Then he wonders aloud if that was the piece he had chewed on earlier and replaced back in the jar...Which caused me to throw the rest of my dripping sweet flesh strip into the sink as well.

PS. That's a kid from my school so I blocked out his face.

DID

I ended up texting you yesterday when I was waiting for The Bitch to arrive back at the school...You insisted that depression was something one has to be born with. That I was just a sad crying teenager. You listed every reason why you were depressed and sad and how your life was fucked up. Then restated the fact you believe I'm just a teenager that's sad. As in, worthless, moaning teenager full of self pity.
Yes, it hurt. Yes, it angered med. Then why the FUCK do I still love you?Why? Do I love? An asshole?You fucking forced me to tell you that I was dying. And you. Don't. give. A. Shit. Just as I had predicted. no big deal, guys.
Babe, understand that I'm not in a FUCKING COMPETITION about who's life IS MORE fucked UP. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!!?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Reckless

My mom wants to divorce the family. She saw a lawyer yesterday and this morning said in an email why she wants a divorce and how she wants to milk us for all she can get. I got pissed.
Around second period I had fallen off my cliff of frustration and decided to do something stupid. I started scheming for the quickest way to get sent to the Principal. Eventually I left my class and wandered the school for the remainder of 2nd..Walked into 3rd, threw my stuff under my desk and stomped out. Somehow I ran into my older brother on the way to my own self destruction. He decided to join me. We made it to the front office, completely ready to bitch ourselves out at The Bitch, but she wasn't in her office. So we sat down against the wall. A lunch passed, B lunch, C lunch, and D lunch. We got many odd stares. Two kids. Looking mightily pissed off. Both dressed in all black. The girl wearing some grey fur. Both pale with dark eyes. They didn't know who we were or why we were by the office. About 20 people came by (most who were my friends) and asked why we were there and if we were in trouble. 2 hours later a teacher finally realized that we were skipping school. The Bitch showed up and my brother and I destroyed her. We told her everything. We allowed her to see the massive burden that we carry on our backs everyday. The towering boulder twenty times taller than me, and a hundred years older...We showed her every crack and every smudge on that burden, described it in fine detail and ended with the fact that she needed to get off our backs. Eat my heart out.


And my mom had another break down today.

Awkward

I realize 30 minutes into searching for an online textbook that I already have a textbook right next to me on the floor. HAAAAhaHAHAHa!
About an hour ago my dad was being all depressed and saying how soon Prancer will die, his dad will die, my mom might die, and all kids will grow up and leave him within the next two years. And I was like O.o "I have 4 years of school left, dad.." And then he goes "Hopefully." And I was like ...Oh yeah, I'm dying. -_- Awkward.

Done


Straightened, and brushed, and still a bit fluffly, but whatever. I'm a lioness. And I smell like a God. ;D (goddess, wahtever.) You can see the ends of my hair are red. The rest of the colors are natural. Sigh. My hairs is naturally mixed shades.

Semi-Dry Brushed!!


This is getting tiring.

Semi-dry!


All naturaaaal! :P

Soaked


(Yes I'm wearing a towel)

Stages Of Me


I thought that I might indulge you with the stages of my face. This is me now, bed head, not perfectly clean hair, tired face, need to put on makeup. And if there's ever possibly a girl somehow reading this that I have no clue about...? Yes. Those are in fact my untouched genetic eyebrows. I've had them since I was born. See my retarded face? Yes? Okay.

On Second Thought

...What was on second though--Oh yeah! Okay so I know...that it might be wrong of me to not tell my friends about my illness, but I know it's TOTALLY wrong of me to tell them. I drop hints every now and then, though. For their benefit. Like one day I'll ask them in joking tone what they would say if I told them I was dying. They'll answer it. Laughing their heads off. And I...Will try and grin and laugh along. Then they might ask if I was dying and I'd shrug and say with a kind smile that I wouldn't tell them if I was. The End.

You Can't Fool Me

It was a big mistake to take my zombie pill last night so I could do homework at like 10pm. It totally didn't affect my brain because it was nighttime, if anything, it made me sleepier. So the last 10 questions I didn't answer I just wrote random numbers on and boxed them to pretend I did answer. I woke up around 3 in the morning subconciously because I heard someone walking up the stairs and through the Play Room. I have vamp ears. No joke. Big house. Carpet floor. Easy to be as silent as any thief, but you know..I hear everything. I think it would creep people out if I told them, so I don't. Maybe it's genetic since Amber always talks louder than normal, maybe her hearing is below average. And since Jeremy has highly sensitive ears sometimes, maybe his ears are like mine, but in a bad way. You can be talking in a soft voice and he'll think you're screaming. Maybe that's why he talks so quietly. Mumbles, even. I squeezed my eyes shut when the stranger turned the light on, and dozed off again. An hour later I woke up to the fact I was clutching a large metal cap in my fist rather than my phone. Uh oh. So I got up and searched for it, eventually finding it right next to where my head was, on the nightstand. A parent did that I guess. I couldn't get back to sleep no matter what so I suppose I could go take a shower. It's 5 am. I might wake someone up doing that, though. Too bad. I might straighten my hair, but my straightener is downstairs. Do I have enough time for all this? maybe. Maybe not. My bad. It's 6 am. I possibly don't have enough time. Under 2 hours? Eh. ...I'll try anyways.
I don't know what to wear for school today. My brain suggests my black Breaking Benjamin T Shirt and my black jeans and black furry boots, but I was also planning on taking a nap after school today --In school or at home, I don't care. Someone could walk by and take a picture of me. I don't care. Though if they tag me in it on facebook...I might care. That annoys me. Why does it have to be THREE dots? It's so troublesome. So I should bring a jacket, too. To use as a blanket or maybe a pillow. I wonder if I should take my zombie pill again soon. I wonder...if it would kill me. I had a friend overdose from his pills last year on accident. You're only supposed to take one a day, but mine only usually lasts like...8 hours..I'll take the risk. If I die. Then the one man I showed this blog to has full responsibility to give the link to my father some how...Or just to the world. Whichever he can manage. But I should hurry up and shower with my lovely coconut shampoo that smells so fucking awesome. Oh. I understand now. I hear a car in my driveway and the door open and close. It must be my sister going to seminary. Huh. So she was the stranger. Why did she take my phone from me, then? *shrugs* I hallucinate. Like just now when I was about to reach out and click PUBLISH POST, I felt a hand run down my back and then up to my right shoulder blade where it dug it's nails in. You'd think I was joking, but it actually happens a lot. Scares the shit out of me. I'll be walking in broad daylight and out of the corner of my eye I'll see someone and totally jump away with a gasp or a scream and then I'll look again and there was either no one there or it will be some stupid object that doesn't match the color of the walls around it. My brain likes to make me look like a fool. Maybe you think I'm psycho for talking to myself or about myself like this, but it comforts me. Amuses me. Shower time.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Oblivious

I was reading Homestuck while lying next to my sister who was at the moment immersed in some Fanfiction about Naruto. A new character was introduced, Jade, and within a few clicks she was playing her recorder sounding Flute. My sister and I teamed up to fool around on the stupid instrument and I later concluded that John was "way better" than her and browsed back in time until I found his "Haunting Piano Refrain". After playing it for my sister I decided to teach it to her on our keyboard. You see, we don't know the piano notes literally. We only know them by ear, that's how we learn music. By ear, no sheets to look at. It has to be memorized to play a complete song. I follow her out of her room, down the short hall into the Play Room and over to the keyboard when I sit myself on a nearby couch, her on the stool in front of the keyboard, and search Youtube until I find a nice video of a man playing the whole piece. Eventually after the first couple of notes, I notice the music is far too soft for the satisfaction of both my sister and I. So I go downstairs to collect some speakers from my parent's room.
I barge into their room, as they are arguing over something, but as soon as I place my hands on the speakers my mom turns on me. Attack mode. Ordering me to leave the room without the speakers. As the stubborn one I am, I protest and ask her why I shouldn't take the speakers. Eventually after pestering her, she gives me a straight answer: the Play Room was apparently "terrible messy." and she didn't want me taking the speakers until it was clean. I rolled my eyes and said offhand (maybe directed to my father, who was silent throughout the fight) "Yes, terribly messy in -mom's- terms." Then adding to myself: "So..not messy at all." (Which the room is as I say, not messy at all.) She says to my father that she doesn't like the way I'm talking to her, and I interrupt with the fact I didn't enjoy the way she was talking to me either then proceed to ask my father if I can take the speakers. He stays silent and my mom answers "No. You can't take them!" I calmly look at her and say in a cold voice that she is obviously not my father. She gives me a wary face and says to my father that I apparently was proving that everything she said to him earlier was true. And smiles smugly. I don't know what she said to him earlier because I was not in the room. I get annoyed and remark upon the fact that it was rude of her to talk wrong about me behind my back ( a bit hypocritical of me, I know). She chides me with the fact that she "Never talks about me." My dad finally speaks up with the fact he saw her talking about me on facebook. Arguing to me actually. Over facebook. Where everyone could see (Until I eventually deleted the post). She attempts to defend herself by asking my dad if he had seen what I had wrote previously about her on facebook. He naively answers "that she hated seeing you not smile." my mom shakes her head and says no. My dad looks at me. I say "The four words that I screamed in her face over and over the other day that she claims to not understand what I mean when I say them." He doesn't remember so I clear it up with "I miss my mom." He attempts to teach my mom the fact that no one gives the status a second thought because how would they know my mom is right there. We argue some, my mom and I, over the fact her sister is always calling my mom over me and the fact that when I'm actually in the same state as the woman, her sister doesn't give a shit about me. Hates me. But when I'm out of her state, she some how magically cares about me? My mom clears it up by saying that her sister doesn't care about me. She cares about my mom. Not me. Not me. Not me. I smile on the inside. A bit sadly, though. ((((EDIT I WILL CONTINUE THIS POST WHEN I FEEL UP TO IT.))))

First and Second

You are angry.
My first thought is sad. I want to help you. I want to know what's wrong. I want to destroy what's hurting you.
My second thought was hesitation. Should I ask? Would you get mad?

First day of SCHOOL. (Not really)

SOOOOO..First period I have Algebra (If my request is approved, soon to be Art). I took it as a blow off class since I already know Algebra. MY MISTAKE. IT'S THE MOST BORING SHIT I'VE EVER FREAKEN DONE. OHHHMYGOD. I'm in a class with morons.."What's -8 - 2?" .."Uhmm...UHHHMMM..Uhm..UUHHHHHHHH." I SWEAR TO GOD. I wanted to kill myself. That's how annoying they were. On a positive note, the teacher likes Death Note. Haha pun..
Second is band. It was fun. As always.
Third was..Third was..I can't remember..Third....OH SPANISH! Third was Spanish 3. Which if my request is approved, will soon be Algebra. (FML). It was boring. And boring. And there was a sweet boy behind me, but whatever. He can deal with me leaving.
Fourth was World Geo AP. Fun. FUCKING. CLASS! :D I spent it laughing my face off with some boy. The teacher is like high every day since she's pregnant. And while in that class I drew a vampire sucking Will.I.Am's blood. It was sexy.

Monday, January 16, 2012

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I have school tomorrow. New classes. Watch me hate them. Going to ask to drop out of Spanish 3 and transfer to Art 1. Which will fuck up my schedule. Because then I'd have to move Algebra to period 3. Okay. We can do this. You and I.

RANCOROUS Misery

My dog has been sick the past two days. I've been sick the past 4. I suppose it might actually be my fault she's sick since there are certain strains of flu that are transferable to animals and my dog might have been eating after me..>> And then she began to have the same symptoms as me, vomiting, extreme pain, electric jolts through the abdomen, nausea, dizziness.. Yep. It was pretty obvious that she had all of those. She can't walk in a straight line, her back is hunched and she barely moves, she's barfing everywhere. I do feel guilty.
As I was hugging her frail body as she slept, it occurred to me how terrible it must feel to be a parent whose child is dangerously ill. All you can do is watch and pray. Literally. Y0u see your child in misery and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
On another note, I've decided that I will use the word RANCOROUS often today.

Vampire Knight

3 nights, 79 books? I feel badass.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

J loves M

Saw the picture. Of your names carved in the tree. Was saddened. You're right, you are an asshole. Why the FUCK do I care for you, then? I ask myself that everyday. Honestly, I've TRIED to say "Fuck him. He can go die for all I care." but I can't. I love you. Why? Hell if I know. I think it's God punishing me... I shouldn't drown in my self pity, instead I'll glorify in it. I am a gift to the world. I am to most as most are to me. They look at me and feel like shit for thinking their lives are bad. I look at them and feel like shit for thinking my life is bad.
We are all born for a reason. Those spoiled children that are raised with their fingers in the air and their money up their asses. I pity them.

Christian The Lion Project

To get my minds of douche bags, I've drownededed myself in Youtube. Lovely, darling, youtube. I always end up looking at animals, though. There was a cute little kitten that was dreaming in it's sleep, bringing both tiny grey paws up behind it's ears and then rubbing them flat against it's face before they'd pop up again. So. Cute. I was instantly struck with the idea to draw that. BUT I didn't. I began to draw Christian The Lion. If you don't know who that is: These to men once saw that some lioncub was for sale at some shitty place in Australia, so they bought the little thing and raised it, playing with it at some flats outside a church. Eventually Christian got to big so they released him into the wild in Africa. A year later they decide they want to see the wild beast again and are warned that he won't remember him. After hours of searching, they find his pride and he slowly stalks towards them before breaking into a run and tackling them..And rubbing his cheek against their cheeks and clinging to them and hugging them and licking their faces. Most beautiful thing ever.

Sharks and Grizzlys

I had a weird dream last night, quite contradictory to my earlier post, but not totally.
From what I can remember, this random boy-Let's call him Niko-and I were walking hand and hand through an odd place: there was hard, sandstone everywhere, like a desert, it was flat and endless, the full moon was low in the sky and as creamy as ever..The sky was a blackish purple and there were lamp posts that we were walking to.. Random lamp posts that exposed the sand's true color. Niko was beautiful, too. He wasn't towering over me, just a decent height for a boy. He had dark hair, pale skin, violet eyes. He was gorgeous. I woke up crying when the scene changed and we were on beach. On a hill of sand 30 feet above the ocean, 20 feet from it's edge. Niko was pointing out this flatbed floating in the ocean, that was designer and must be worth thousands. A HUGE wave suddenly appears and we both gasp in awe. The second massive wave brings the flatbed up about 20 feet away from us and Niko cheers and lets go of my hand, quickly running down the hill and to the ankle deep after-wave. The after-wave is about 15 feet out, very shallow..You know? How when a wave washes up on shore and then retreats back into the ocean? The after-wave! The retreating part! So he's about to stomp on the retreating flatbed when the coming wave brings pushes a wiggling grey thing past Niko..And as the water retreats back into the ocean, the wiggling thing is pulled towards Niko's unknowning form. I scream for him to turn around and when he does, it's already attacked him. He was chest deep in the water. He screamed so loud. ...It was terrible. His screams. The shark was biting his arm, his abdomen, his hip..He met my eyes and screamed! Next thing I know I jumped off the hill and was by him in seconds..And I was on the shark. And I was sinking my fangs into it and Niko's blood and the shark's blood was everywhere around us in the foaming sea. Our skin was covered in pink salt water. The next second the shark's body parts are floating around us and Niko's face is in my neck and I'm sobbing as he heaves with agony. And I wake up. And I lie there. And I cry.
I had a dream about Niko, but Niko didn't go to sleep thinking of me because Niko doesn't exist. I don't dream much, but when I do...They're always bloody.
And I was wondering, as I sniffled into my pillow and let it soak up the salty tears from my cheeks, why do we exterminate terrible creatures such as Grizzly Bears when sharks are just as bad? It's not impossible to exterminate them. It's not impossible to set up a giant net bordering areas so that humans can swim without having to be terrified. But the liberals say it's wrong. It's wrong to prevent creatures from doing as they've done the past hundred years. It's wrong to prevent humans from getting attacked or dogs from getting eaten (The happens a lot, actually). But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm the only person in the world absolutely terrified of the ocean and lakes because they're dark and mysterious and you can't see what's below you. You can't see what will come up and grab you and carry you down into the empty depths of the water. Maybe I'm alone.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Conclusion?

In the end of everything I read, I feel ashamed with myself. Even now. It's selfish of me to say the things I say.
Am I self centered? (Let me close my door so I don't wake my family.) No, I'd like to believe that I am not. I dwell in the past too often, yes. I weep about my despairs, obviously. I sometimes pulse out a black, true. Yet, I try and change myself constantly. I care for other people. I can scream my throat raw at someone, but all the while a second voice in my head would be begging me to stop! In every moment of silence, no matter how miniscule, I will analyze every word of what I've spoken and I will scold myself because I know what I said was wrong! I know I can be the better person! I know I can turn the other cheek! But then the silence will end and I'll continue to scream. I will not stop. In the inside, something is shoving words out of my mouth, refusing to let me back down, slapping me in the face every time I attempt to be calm, to be gentle. And as I let myself be pushed from the inside, I'll cry. People look at me and they see a girl who starts off shy and cold, but curiously, she smiles and laughs every now and then. They see a girl who will sometimes have an angry look on her face as she stares off, but sometimes she'll look sad, so deeply sorrowful. Even now I feel how my face is. I feel the tug of tension between my eyebrows, I know they are knit and I know how my eyes water and I am ashamed. I rather wear a permanent mask than allow others to see me so. I wear masks. I do. I haven't had a genuine laugh..I can't remember the last time..But I laugh every day. It's shameful. How I live. Even when I look in the mirror, and I'm absolutely alone, I'll still put on the mask. As much as I think about my life, I hate the truth of it. I'm ashamed that I wear the mask and am dishonest by my smiles, but I am also ashamed of life without the mask. Why do I wear them? Because they're good for me. I've had the pleasure and blessing of watching people I care for grow up and live lives full of happiness and love. They are my friends, I suppose, and my mask is what brought them to me. Pleasure is good for me. I believe that I deserve some type of happiness in life and my masks granted me it. To see a loved one swim around in a leisure life overflowing with joy is what brings me joy. But as they say, the poison is often the cure, and vis versa. I am also filled with misery and longing for a better life. Is there an after life? I'm not sure. Will I be born again, healthy, beautiful, and with a perfect family and perfect friends and grow old to have cute babies who in turn will grow up and have beautiful babies that I can take care of? That I can be the grandmother of? I like thinking of that. Will it happen? I hope so. Someone told me that there are cases of victims dying of cancer, refusing to believe they're sick, drilling into their brain "I'm perfect." and miraculously being cured of the thing that was killing them. Maybe it works with defect livers, too. Another reason. For me to be ashamed. Is the fact I stare my friends in the eye and I'll giggle with them, I'll grin goofy grins and act like everything is normal when in fact, I'm a screwed up girl with a screwed up life. I'm ashamed of myself. When they find out, if they find out, will they hate me? For lying to them all these years? If I die suddenly, will they curse my soul for keeping it a secret, for bringing death into their lives?

Dreaming

I've been thinking about dreams lately..
You know how they say "If a person goes to bed thinking about you, you'll have a dream with that person in it"? Well let's say Jill goes to bed thinking of Jack, causing Jack to have a dream with Jill in it. If Jill purposely forces Jack to have a dream about her, than he might think about her and she might have a dream with Jack in it. I digress..

You know how they say "If a person goes to bed thinking about you, you'll have a dream with that person in it"?
I understand.
That's why I don't dream.

Kitten paws and puppy paws.


I actually do this a LOT. To cats especially (Whenever I visit a house with a cat). They have such tiny, delicate little paws. Irresistibly stroke-able. But, yes..Sebby cracks me up. How cute.

Huh.



Odd. I was reading back on Black Butler when something strikes me..The Chef, while screaming at Sebby, said Art was an Explosion. "Art is an EXPLOSION!" is Deidara's (from the anime Naruto) catchphrase! As you can see here: (Though ignore the "BANG". How gay. Stupid translators got it wrong and I'm too lazy to find a correct one.)

Story of my Life

Today on Facebook, I saw that my friend Sean posted one of those stupid chain notes (Repost this by tonight or you'll have a shitty love life and die young).

He reposted it..The story was of a girl secretly being in love with her ex boyfriend..And every time she thought about him she'd say "But I can't tell him. I can't tell anyone." Eventually she told him she liked him, and he said that he moved on and didn't like her any longer.
The next day he received a letter from her saying "I told you I like you, but I meant I love you. But you don't love me. I wish I could change that. I'm sorry for that day back in 8th grade when we broke up. I really didn't want to. I'm gone now, I've been sick for a while now. By the time you read this I'll be in the hospital on life support. I just needed to tell you before I'm go; I love you. Don't forget that."

So when I read this little story, my heart splattered and I felt asdhasdghasdgaoisdaohdaoho[ihiohoouqwheog[hiowhegisdihg93ujegikdasvdkhgpiashgkjasdg.



Low Blow

Anyways. I was kind of happy this morning. Ten minutes ago while forcing (the sick) me and my sister to clean up somethings my mom bitches about me being friends with my father. Then she bitches about him bringing me home a burrito from our favorite restraunt saying that he was doing it to make my liver worse..I dropped the shit I was holding for her, thanked her, and locked myself in my room. A couple minute later she screams from downstairs for me and orders me to continue cleaning. Fuck. That.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Ha.

http://elizoobeth.tumblr.com/post/15643364341/thepinkqueen-oh-my-god-literally-me

I laughed really hard..But then I wrote "Thoughtful" and depressed myself. Whoopie.

Thoughtful

Exquisite. You always seem to surprise me, hm? I appreciate you answering one of the questions..."I only told you so you would understand. If something happened." More for you than me? I feel special. I'm only joking, though. I can't seem to keep a serious attitude when I'm talking about you in an appreciative way.
...Jokes aside, my heart did sink. I immediately put two and two together after you messaged me. I had the thought you updated your blog. I was right. And when I read it..It was as if God dropped a weight on my chest. I understand. As much as I hate it..I understand. And I can deal with it. ..I can fucking deal with it. And I have to keep telling myself "Forget him. Forget him! He. Doesn't. Love. You. He said it! HE. DOESN'T. CARE." It was never real. Tell me, God. Is it possible to be fucking in love one day and fall out the next? Just like that? Your conscious doesn't even say anything about it? Nothing? You don't give it a second thought? You open your eyes and sigh in the morning. Sit up. Look around and think "Fuck that. Who the hell is she? She's nothing special." I can't possibly understand and I never will. The only logical explanation is that you were never in love.
What angers me the most, honestly, is myself. How could I have fallen so easily for you? (I'm so fucked up. My imagination automatically responded for you in a narcissistic way. I can imagine you, arrogant boy, saying something like "all the girls do" or "You can't help it. I'm addicting.") How could I not see that you were wrong for me? You were experience, I wasn't. First warning. You started out sexual. I started out friendly. (And in the inside I'm calling myself a liar. I thought about you before you even knew who I was. I doubt you remember. We used to have huge conversations in one of the RP games I play. I was just another player, then.) And lastly, how you ditched me for two weeks when I needed you most. What fucking PISSES me OFF is how I died when broke up. I fucking died. It took me months to get over you, and even now..I'm still not completely over you. You're so. fucking. Wonderful. You're an amazing person. You're funny. You're handsome as hell. You're intelligent. You're daring. You're promiscuous, even! You're special..You're imaginative. You're brave. Strong. Courageous. I might even call you my hero. My savior. The man you promised you'd be for me. It was all a lie.
I'm in love with a boy who doesn't even want me around.
I'm in love with a boy who make me feel like shit.
I'm in love with a boy who broke all his promises.
I'm in love with a boy who, in the end, the very end..Hurt me fucking bad.
I'm in love with a boy who is too good for me.
I'm in love with a boy who, truthfully, doesn't deserve a girl like me.
What do I have to offer? Looks? No. The only attractive part of me is..I don't have anything attractive, fuck that. Do I have money? No. Do I have intelligence? Hardly. Humor? No. I'm as funny as a dead puppy. WHAT is there in me that -anyone- can find attractive? WHAT? Fie my fucking life. Oh wait. ...Again I forgot. That's another thing to add to the list of "Why Not To Date Kelsy" She'll be dead in less than a year.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I'm Lost Why?

Because of you. One day you'll be flirting outrageously, the next you'll be depressed and boring. Last night I posted a status of "I'm waiting for you to prove me wrong." By midday next morning, I checked my phone to find 10 unread messages. Nearly all from you. Surprise, surprise.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

PROVE ME WRONG!!

Why do you have to torture me? Why the hell do I torture myself -thinking- about you? I've been waiting for you to prove me wrong, but I know it will never happen. Today I posted a cover of Deathbed on youtube for my bestfriend's benefit. Too bad you can't watch it. I've been angry because I remembered I was dying and I was angry at you and I was ranting and I had a headache. I popped 800 mg of pain killers and I'm good now. I'm jiffy.
I want to die.
I feel fucking dead.

RE: Send it to me..

As expected, you didn't respond. You merely dealt out the name of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBhSuS_Pbqg which I thoroughly enjoyed. The music is beautiful. Yet, why was I not satisfied? Why did I only reply "Cute."? Because I was getting my hopes up for a real reply from you, a real response to my rant. My uncensored thoughts. You put me in my place again by ignoring it, hm?
I must say that the lyrics of the song, the chorus, first struck me as a suicide note. But nah. If you're dead by the end of the week I'll feel terrible for making a joke, but if not? Then I'll laugh at my foolishness.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Send it to me. I'll read it when I wake up.

Fine. My loss.

"Is it one girl you're talking to? Or two different? One you hate? One you love?
Why'd you show me your secrets when you refuse to explain yourself to me?
Why did you...Humor me. 'Why Are You So Quiet?' kills me.
Read it again from my perspective. I feel like you absolutely understand how I hurt. With exception to the fact you're writing to a different soul than I do.
Which sparks the questions of 'Why did he lie to me? How could he deal out ''I'm in love with you'' so easily? Didn't he realize that he would destroy me? Didn't he see how willingly I would follow him? How could he do this to me? To himself, even?'
And so I try and fit the pieces together: UNDERSTATEMENT. Dec 12. Kill me now! Or maybe I've got it all wrong and I'm the one you're in love with? Absolutely improbable. It's the dream I'll never ask for.
Another puzzle "I TRIED" Dec 21. (You were very emotional in December, huh? Too bad I didn't know. Too good you didn't know that I was, too. You wouldn't have given a -fuck-.) I almost wish that was to me. I'd die with sadness, but at least it would be an answer. At least it could shove me down a path, good or bad. You've had me lost for months.
But no, it couldn't be me. You speak of a boy. Whoever you hate. She had someone else..Maybe. And plus, it was around that time that you told me something. Something that fucking burned my heart and squeezed my throat.
But you didn't realize, didn't wonder if it was wrong to tell me that. I tried. I tried to explain how I felt. You didn't understand. I was frustrated. I didn't know how to put my feelings into words.
I still don't. They are incoherent. Useless. Strike no emotion in anyone, but me.
If only you knew how I care for you. If only you knew how I protect you.
No. I don't want you to know. I wouldn't want to ruin your life more. Give you an excuse to run. Another side of me hints that when you do learn.. When you do stumble across the truth one day. You might die inside, sure. Anyone would..
But that little part of me hopes that for your sake, that you'll only be dead a minute. That you'll forget me quickly. I'm sorry for this."

Damn me to hell. I'm waiting for his answer. I doubt I'll ever get one.

References:

WAYSQ:
Does the silence not haunt you? Can’t you hear the imaginary whispers— Calling your name, Sighing a breath of doubt. I haven’t heard from you, But my mind has been keeping me company. Don’t you miss me? Do I bore you? Do you hate me? Do you just not notice the way I yearn for you? Every breath I take, In anticipation of your next word. I’m tired of starting it all, Just to see you end it. You don’t want to talk, I understand. Just tell me if that’s true, So I can stop waiting. Your silence is deafening, Telling me stories I don’t want to hear. If you don’t care for me, Tell me. Or atleast just say hi, Once in a week. I know you hate me, And if you don’t, Don’t fret a thing. I hate myself for you. You don’t have to hate me, Because I’m already doing that. But please, Even if you don’t care, Even if you want me to die, Just send me a text, An email, A letter, A picture, Something to get me by. You’re far too quiet, And I need to hear something other than my whining.

UNDERSTATEMENT:

You didn’t believe me when I said I loved you, but I didn’t really mean it when I said it. I just needed someone, something, to keep me going. Too long had I laid under a cloudy sky, waiting for the warmth of the sun. Too many times had I closed my eyes and dreamed for tomorrow. I’m done with all that, I put it behind me. I’m not some kid who needs something in general, I’m specific now. I search for the perfect thing, the key to my heart, the way to end this misery. When I told you I loved you, I loved the idea that someone was there. Someone who cared for me. But I don’t want that anymore. I don’t care what you think you mean to me, you don’t. I shut my eyes again, but no longer will I dream for tomorrow. Tomorrow never came. It never will. I don’t love you, I never did.

But I’ll be damned if I don’t need you.


I TRIED:

I wanted to make things right. I wanted to be happy. I took a risk, a chance. I did something I’m not generally proud of, but I did it for a greater good. But you lied. I can’t just get over that. Ever beat of my damned heart sends more blood to my brain so I can just think about it. I will never get over it. I will never change. That which exists will not be destroyed by its creator. What you did is there. And I won’t ever forget it. The way you treated it so casually. The way you had lied to me. I hated it. I hate the thought of it. I hate the way he’s laughing at me now, knowing he got you. I hate the unconcerned look I got from you. I hate the way it was written. Most of all though. I hate you. I just fucking hate you. I hate you and I want you to die in a fitting death. One where you’re fucking alone and in pain. You ruined everything for me. You were right when you said words meant nothing. You were fucking right. I sure as hell don’t care for you. I can live all my life knowing you’re rotting in your self pity. But that won’t happen, no. You’re going to cry for a day. And then go find new people. I don’t mean anything. I’m just a placeholder. A title easily transfered, taken even. I gave you a chance. You didn’t deserve the chance. You don’t deserve me. I may be nothing, a no one, a useless, whining kid. But I deserve something. I deserve a little slice of happiness. And you sure as hell won’t give me any. So to you, I say-

Fuck you.

Bodies Laying All Over The Floor

No. Hah. It's not 3 AM in the morning, yet.
My "friend" send me the link to his blog thing. I read it. I was mentioned in it. He called me his "friend". . . For some reason that made me sad. I'm just a "friend" to him.
Multiple times he rants on and on to some girl that he loves with all his fucked up heart. Multiple times he tells some girl he hates to go fuck off. Multiple times I wonder if any of those were directed at me. Probably the latter ones. But if I wanted to be like him, I could post shit.
Shit like this: I can't believe I wasted my time on a boy like you. An arrogant, beautiful, masterpiece of a boy. Why was I so absolutely attracted to you the moment you came into my life? No idea. Fate is just one fucked up son of a bitch who likes to play with me like I'm his favorite naked barbie doll. Fate threw me at you, a man who held his arms wide open to catch me, to cuddle me and warm me and let me cry in his shirt. A man who begged to be married with me, who planned his whole future with me before I could open my mouth. Who talked about our kids and our home and sex and how much he loved me. How he was /so/ fucking in love with me. And I'm such a weak..I let my eyes drop down in broken-heartedness just now. An I really that weak? Am I really that shallow? That pathetic? That needy? No. I don't believe I am. I'm just a girl who had been dreaming of love her whole life. I'm just a girl who saw a man that was perfect and dreamed of the impossible. I'm just the girl who's dream came true. Her dream was in sight and she fucking /ran/ at it. Yep. Me. The girl who had all she wanted for a few months..And when she needed him most..he wasn't there for her. He promised he would be, but he wasn't. When he came out of hiding he said "I died." Told her she was beautiful and gorgeous and mouth watering and stunning and kinky and hot and that he loved her. (True story) and as she gazed in wonder, he broke her out of her reverie with a smoldering slap in the face. It was too good to be true. He broke up with her. And two days later she celebrated one of the worst birthdays of her life. Then she cried her eyes out to a distant friend for a month or two. She mourned over her lost love. He didn't realize that she had been head over heels in love with him. That she gave her heart to him. She trusted him with it. Her scarred, scared, screaming heart..and he drank it dry, tossing the heath behind his shoulder as he moved on without her. In the end, it was apparent he never gave a shit about her. She'd always prized him as talented. Who knew he was such a great actor. And yet here I am, still thinking about him. I wish I would get over myself. I wish I would get over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm dying. He doesn't know. I tried to tell him. He didn't care. I'm over him. I'm over him. I'm over him. There's a cure. To my sickness. I'm over him. But I want to die. I'm not over him. I want to die. I'm over him. I'm staring at the cure. I'm over him. And thinking about him. I'm not over him. I'm staring at the cure. I'm over him. And wondering if I could do it for him. I'm not over him. Why is that? I'm not over him. Why is there a part of me thinking about him instead of the reaper?

Followers